Over time, one can acquire self-confidence as a learned trait. Doing so requires understanding how your inner critic operates and building it up over time.
Your inner critic may think they’re providing protection, but their self-deprecating tactics actually increase feelings of vulnerability. Your goal should be to replace this negative voice with one more positive and supportive.
1. Your inner critic is a part of you.
Many people do not realise that the critical voice in their head is part of them and shouldn’t be dismissed or silenced, as it performs an essential protective function in life. A recent scientific study confirmed this fact.
At times, however, listening too closely can be destructive. Unlike healthy voices of support, this one does not believe you are fundamentally good. Instead, they see you as an imminent danger who will destroy everything around them just by being themselves.
Because its goal is to protect us, your self-protective mechanism frequently resorts to damaging strategies. These strategies may involve blaming, comparing, setting unrealistic standards, recalling past failures and mistakes, disengaging from risks or change, or dictating what actions are appropriate or not.
Although self-criticism can be helpful, most critics are unnecessary and demeaning. If we try to suppress or silence them, they will appear again in different forms with greater power. Instead, we should recognize them as protective parts of ourselves and offer kindly attention.
Make your critic your friend. The key to successfully handling critics is acknowledging them as part of you that wishes to protect you. A great place to start is by giving it a name: bully, gremlin, Miss Know-It-All, or whatever resonates with you. Calling it this will put distance between it and yourself and give back power over what it says about you.
At this stage, you should explore its history. Look out for instances where this critic was actually shielding you from other critics, whether they were past or present. Try identifying who it most resembles—whether that be parents, teachers, coaches, or anyone else you share a relationship with. Acknowledging their intention while asking them to be more gentle when criticising in the future can also be useful.
2. Your inner critic is a part of you that wants to protect you.
Your harsh thoughts, which criticise you, actually form part of your defence system. It is one of your primary selves, and it serves to keep you safe from failure in certain ways: embarrassment, disappointment, rejection, and death are just a few risks you might be at risk from if left to its own devices.
Problematically, its primary objective of keeping you safe can also trap you in a world that is extremely limited, hindering any personal skill development that could truly benefit you. For example, it may prevent you from trying new things out of fear of making mistakes or accurately anticipating situations that could cause embarrassment or disappointment.
As a result, overcoming self-doubt and building confidence is no easy feat if this type of thinking has been fostered from birth. But it is possible to learn new and better ways of behaving that will allow you to develop self-assurance, and professional coaches know exactly how best to assist their clients with these specific challenges and situations.
Another way of understanding your inner critic is to view it as your guardian or parent, who has taken up the responsibility of keeping you safe. Treat this part of yourself like someone you love who needs nurturing rather than something you need to change, and it may respond differently when confronted by inquiries from outside sources.
As you form a trustworthy relationship with your inner critic and provide it with positive feedback, its tone will begin to alter. Eventually, you may begin to understand that being critical and judgmental of yourself does not serve your best interests. Instead, become less harsh towards yourself and more kind and gentle towards yourself. You’ll soon be able to recognise when it’s present and notice its patterns, so when co-regulating is present, you can talk directly with it about what it’s doing or why. Co-regulating inner critics is an invaluable first step towards building self-confidence!
3. Your inner critic is a part of you that wants to motivate you.
An appropriate level of self-criticism can be extremely motivational. Parents, teachers, or coaches who expect more from you and are willing to challenge your work without diminishing you as a person may inspire your inner critic. Or it could simply stem from fear that if you fall short of expectations, you will be rejected, humiliated, and abandoned—whatever it might be!
Conversely, if your inner critic is persistent and loud, they could be masking feelings of failure and anxiety about future endeavours. Rather than confronting this negativity directly, dedicate some time to understanding its purpose and source; once you’ve done so, you’ll be able to differentiate it from aspects of yourself driven by love, compassion, and curiosity.
This can help you recognise the warning signs of your inner critic, such as butterflies in your stomach or an uncomfortable sensation in your gut, repetitive thoughts or negative self-beliefs, and negative self-talk. From there, you can choose not to follow her directives but instead to take actions that reflect who you want to be and your desired goals.
Your inner critic might make you more sensitive to others’ opinions or more critical of yourself in certain situations, leading to an energy or vulnerability drain. If this sounds familiar, document the voices in a journal and give them names; doing this can give them less power over you by externalising their power in your mind as characters instead.
Think about some people who inspire you with their courage and kindness, such as teachers, coaches, therapists, authors, speakers, or celebrities whom you respect. Now imagine that your inner critic has taken the form of these people; ask yourself, “What would my internal voice say about these individuals?” Ultimately, if you can identify and disengage from your inner critic and listen to positive voices around you instead, your confidence in your abilities will skyrocket!
4. Your inner critic is a part of you that wants to diminish you.
Have you noticed how certain people seem to effortlessly step into any situation with grace and ease? From public speakers and actors to salespeople and sales managers, they all seem to possess an air of confidence that allows them to blend in effortlessly and thrive. However, many don’t realise there are scientific principles that explain what these confident individuals do differently, as well as ways we can become more confident ourselves.
An inner critic can be an immense power, and it may tempt us to believe it represents who we truly are, having access to immutable truths about who you are as an individual, as well as knowing all your innermost thoughts, vulnerabilities, and experiences that push certain buttons in you. This belief may lead to feelings that any time negative thoughts enter our heads, they must come from within us, and that somehow this must mean we are broken or damaged individuals.
When your inner critic starts talking, try showing it some empathy and asking what’s bothering it and why they believe what they do. By showing compassion to that person, their criticism should become less of a barrier to your own success and happiness.
Your inner critic can diminish you by making you feel small, comparing yourself with others, and personalising events that happen to you. This leads to destructive thought processes, which prevent us from taking the steps needed to move forward in our lives and make progress. Luckily, however, it’s not your fault for believing these negative thoughts and behaviours; these maladaptive coping mechanisms simply contribute to them.
Deliberately breaking free from negative self-talk requires first recognizing it when it occurs and choosing not to react in response. With practice, your mind can learn how to tune out this inner critic and focus on what truly matters, eventually taking control over its contents and building an emotionally fulfilling and confident lifestyle! I wish you success on this journey!
